Not much has been going on except I keep running into complications getting the computers networked. I found out, $350 too late, that I must get rid of my ADSL PCI modem for a ADSL external modem in order for it all to work with the router. So now I'm seriously shopping for an affordable external ADSL modem. I've been visiting the politics room on Yahoo lately. It's weird, but there's like this army of racists that come in like the gestapo to interrupt all intelligent conversation. I keep running into sites where the webmaster recommends a decent chat, but usually you have to somehow qualify. I hate rejection so I don't even bother to try to get in. Even though my days of being rowdy online have been long gone for years now, I still fear that they will find something wrong with me and reject me. Shite happens. Lately racism has been heavy on my mind. I hope this isn't my life's calling. It makes me ill to deal with racism. Perhaps I'm one of the few that can see both sides of the argument and somehow I can mediate between the two. I catch hell for trying to remain neutral and look at both sides. People assume that I'm some type of traitor or sth. because I really don't care much about a person's race. I actually bother to get to know them as a person and I if I dislike someone, it is 100% of the time, because of some personality trait that I find to be intolerable. Even then I realize it is the personality trait that I dislike, not necessarily the person. No one can consciously control emotional things. That's not what I wanted to say. I'm looking for the right word, it's not "emotional things" , because one can indeed refuse to get angry and change perception. However, fear is strong mutha-effer. Trying to get people to see through their fears is not an easy task. I suffer from serious arachno(e)phobia (? spelling) I'm so afraid of spiders that I will kill a harmless one just because I fear it will bite me in my sleep. I have to kill it before it kills me. I have to strike before it strikes. People do that with each other. For instance, I was in Lord & Taylor's today and I found myself immediately bracing myself for racist treatment. Needless to say, I think I brought up some mild racist treatment because one of the cashiers sensed my fear. So I tried to relax. I put on a smile and asked her about the particular shoes I was looking for. It seemed to work. Can you marvel at the complexity within that? I'm getting ready to go back to work. I must remember to practice my little anti-racist fear ritual before every interview. I've been hurt before, so I must learn to not let the past color my future. No pun intended. I also must keep in mind that I am not a college graduate and most people prefer an employer with a degree of some sorts. This is just to keep everything in per- spective, even though I may not always get the job, it does not mean that I did not get it due to racism, sexism or estheticism, etc. It may just be because I don't have a solid college education. This brings me to another controversial subject... I don't want to be hired due to affirmative action. I don't want somebody hiring me because they have to. I want to be hired because I not only delight in what I do, but I try to be the best at it. By the way, I am going to school this fall. I just feel that I should be hired because I'm the best person for the job, not because the employer has to hire me. I don't want to work where I'm not wanted. You dig? It's scary, but I'm considering putting down on my application: "Please hire me because you feel I'm the best for this job, not because the government says you have to hire me." Some people are going to call me stupid, traitor, or a "Tom" for saying this, but I have this pride that says if I get hired just because the employer has to, then I'm nobody. I can't describe the feeling I get when I realize some people will only hire me because they have to. For instance, at this one job, I had to train the guy that was going to be my manager. He had some old ass degree from back in the late 70's and he didn't seem to be able to follow simple orders that our manager gave him. I mean gosh, everything was menu oriented and he still couldn't get it right. He had to lose the company some $40K before they got rid of him, and guess what? They still did not consider me nor the other female for the position. Instead they eliminated all of our jobs. I'm one of those show-me-once-and-I-got-it-for-life persons. Yet they still would not consider me for the position, even though I was the only that really had the schedule to do it. That kind of stuff keeps me from totally dissing affirmative action. It definitely has it's uses. Enough rambling, I still have work to do. I will probably only pop in once a week this summer. It seems I have finally gotten some semblance of a life. All hail! Let's see what I do with it...
posted by Lady Ursula at 11:34 PM